Liking it, Lumping It Or Living It

I’ve been meaning to update on my wedding day. Then update about my first month of marriage. The thing is… some memories are so dear that you just have to hold them close to your heart to relive and adore before you can share them. And that’s okay with me. You’ll get over it.

Except, that’s not what I want to talk about right now.

I love my David. I love our life together. I love the new family that we’ve become. Everything that was less than perfect is now merely a minor detail.

When I didn’t think my feelings could be any more intense, reality smacked me upside the head and took my breath away.

I found an enormous lump in my breast yesterday.

I can’t explain the feeling that came over me. I can’t believe how it could be there without my noticing. I can’t believe it is that large over night; it must have been there awhile now. It just can’t be real. And yet, there it was, unmistakable, undeniable.

I called my mom and tried to act casual. There’s something about moms though, they always know when something is wrong. So, finally, when we had talked about everyone else in the family, I just blurted it out.

“I found a lump in my boob this morning, Mom. A really big one…” and I was gasping for air just saying it. Saying it seemed to make it more real and more scary.

She was quiet for a moment.

Then she said, “The first thing on your To Do list tomorrow is to make an appointment. Your father’s mother and grandmother both had breast cancer. It will be OK. It’s probably nothing. Just get it checked”.

And there it was. The Frankenstein cancer word. A thousand images flashed thru my mind. A thousand “what if” questions sprang to life.

I crumpled on the bed, freaked out and text messaged David at work. He assured me that everything would be fine. He told me not to worry. He said everything a man should say when his other half is erratic. When he came home, he calmed me again and held me tight as he stroked my hair.

Then I told him, “I’m not afraid for me. I’m afraid for my boys. I’m afraid for you. Mostly I’m sorry you might have married a broken wife and gotten a really bad deal”.

This morning I was calmer. I made an appointment and will start the process of having my breast examined and scrutinized tomorrow morning.

Tonight we celebrated Biscuit’s ninth birthday one day early. As my mom, step father and grandmother sat in our dining room along with David’s parents, sister and niece… I stood back and soaked in the moment. I may have seemed distant and withdrawn to all of them tonight, but for once, I felt that I was actually IN the room.

Thank you Heavenly Father. Thank you for sending Mr. Lump to me. I’m paying attention. I understand how truly precious each moment is. I appreciate even more how truly blessed and loved I am.

Whether this is the moment my life changes or if this is the moment I’ve made a mountain out of a mole hill, I have received the message.

Like it or lump it. That’s the summary of my life, it seems. I have been “lumping” it. I have been existing. I have not been LIVING.

From this moment on, I have too many tasks unfinished that I must accomplish. I have many souls to seek forgiveness from. I have some to forgive. I have neglected people that I need to shower with attention, affection and love.

I am ready.

Comments

  1. Praying for you sister. Praying a LOT!

    Your attitude is excellent :) I admires you.

  2. Praying for you and thinking of you. You are strong and you WILL get through this. Positive thoughts being sent your way. :)

  3. Praying, Michele!

  4. Whispering a prayer that all is well with your health.

  5. Thanks everyone! I’m being sent for a mammogram and ultrasounds tomorrow morning. I appreciate the prayers and positive thoughts.

  6. I’m thinking of you, Chele. If you need anything please let me know!

    Nell

  7. Chele,

    Ugh – is all I could think of at first. Then I started thinking that God never gives us more then we can handle at any moment. He is there right beside you as you make your appointment. As you sit and wait. As you get the news – good or bad. He is there holding your hand, catching each tear, and letting you grow and become stronger.

    I want to thank you for posting this too – the other week I found a small but weird “lump” near my nipple. I’ve put off calling to get an appointment but I should wait. Thank you for the reminder.

    Also, if you need to talk with a survivor there are many out there – but the story that Stephanie of Mingle Media TV wrote broke my heart and put it back together!

    Sending you lots of prayers and shedding a tear with you!

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